If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
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