Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
