Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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