I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
