I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
