the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
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