My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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