I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
