Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
