You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
