I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
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