Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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