When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
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