The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Randomize
