apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
what day is it and did you see me today?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Randomize
