remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
After last night, I could never be a politician.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
