I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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