I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
