My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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