I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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