why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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