Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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