I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
