It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
