Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
