if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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