I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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