Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
