new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
