watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
accomplished twins. life is a go
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
