hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
