everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
