I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
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