His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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