At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
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