I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Randomize
