i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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