I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
