I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
i think my tv is drunk
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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