the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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