Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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