I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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