So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I came so hard my ears popped.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
