3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
