You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
