Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
