my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Randomize
