She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
