I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
