I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
