YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Randomize