I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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