I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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